Act as If in the moment.

I just registered for the Blogger Poker Tour finale. No butterflys or nerves yet but my eyes got a little teary when I registered. Probably because when those chips go in the virtual air I will be in unchartered waters. The fact that I have won close to 50 online MTT's means nothing. This is for a big prize, a really big prize and since Im only playing against 19 others my best shot at the brass ring: a seat in the 2007 Aussie Millions.

I'm off today so I will act as if and try to stay in the moment. That means live play tonite for the Adironadack Poker League. That means finishing up my Xmas shopping and wrapping presents, paying my mortgage for January (so the interest is in 2006), maybe baking some cookies, washing my hair. I wont venture far from my house tomorrow for fear that the Santa Fe will unexpectedly break down and I wont make it home in time to play. I know, I know irrational fears.

NO GIRLY POKER has been my mantra. Ray even shot me an email yesterday AM with those exact words. I had an outside shot at the Aces Cracked League title last nite on Full Tilt. I dont think my third place finish gave me enough points to overcome RK for the win. I was interrupted by my mothers impeccable timing of her phone call to me. When I came out raising I was forced to lay down not so strong hands. They proved to be good laydowns as AA was shown a few times. I saw no PP bigger then TT all night. Took a hand down with the IG but was cold-decked, and frustrated. Ive been cold-decked since I landed the double IG the other nite flopping quad 99's. Tis okay. Send me the goods tomorrow poker gods.


NO GIRLY POKER. Somewhere in the midst of reading Paulys riveting 7 Deadly sins series on Tao of Poker and the Brandi Hawbaker saga on 2 + 2. I came across a roundtable that CC did on Pokerworks with Lucko (Kevin O'Brien), Matt Matros (the Matt Matros) and Fuel55. Now I have played against Fuel and Lucko in blogger events and the whole roundtable is about the weak/tight nature of play in blogger tourneys..... GIRLY POKER...What a fortuitous article. Reading it only made me more frustrated. How do I shut down this poker flaw I know I have? How do I go about pulling the trigger not once but again and again? The thing Snake mentioned he cant teach me that I have to get comfortable just doing. The lets just sneak into the money or get to the final table mentality rather then playing for the win.

It most happens when Im either the big stack and make the calls I should be making but get rivered and start losing chips and then wind up a middle stack. I batten down the hatches so to speak. Just as the guys discuss in the roundtable my M drifts down to the Red Zone and the blinds start eating me alive. GIRLY POKER.

I lie to myself and say guys have it so much easier at the tables, They are just naturally more aggressive and its a flaw of my gender. Bullshit, anyone who knows me well, knows I am about as assertive and sassy as they come. I think that if I change my name from IRONGIRL to something more gender neutral things will be different. My raises will be respected and Ill get my opponents to play the way I want them to play against me. I wont have four people entering the hand with me any longer. Im damned if I raise a standard 3-4 times the BB, Im damned if I limp, Im damned if I minimum raise (and Jesus will cry).

My life will surely be a little more different if I win $20000 but it wont be different winning $100-$200. I can sell crap on ebay and make that. Perhaps I just need to play a couple hundred SNGS at the $5.50 to $10 range a level that I am comfortable just tearing up the money at and working on this new style until it feels comfortable. I have LAGged up my play a bunch in the past few months. Hell I never would have thrown the hammer like I did last nite. But I need to work on my post flop play.

I also need to slow myself down. Although I was an endurance athlete, I am definitely more fast twitch then slow twitch. I have a tendency to hyper-speed my thinking and act to fast. Snake has told me to slow it down. Perhaps that is the other flaw that makes me predictable.

So here I stand at the abyss contemplating when I will jump. Do I have the stones to make the leap? Looking for a quick fix like a junkie, looking for answers to questions that are looking me in the face but that only I can employ. Uncharted waters, thinking outside the box and outside the comfort zone of GIRLY POKER. Everyone says Im a solid player. Solid just isnt good enough. Solid equals WEAK-TIGHT. Sure we can win when the cards align and you get the hands, but great players win with garbage. Great players make their luck. I can survive with garbage but I need to turn it around to win with garbage.

Poker.com 3 PM tomorrow afternoon 5000 starting chips. Aussie Millions seat on the line. As far as I can tell I am the only gal in the final. As Neo says in the Matrix: Guns lots of Guns. Time to bring out every weapon I have and stomp out Girly Poker.