On Writing and Stuff

When I started this blog back in February 2005 it was to document my poker progress as I moved from freeroller/minnow to bigger stakes/shark with musings from my life thrown in. I wrote for myself and myself alone. Sure a few friends read my blog when I divulged the site but it was really meant to be a personal diary and I wrote without concern that someone I know might take something the wrong way or be privy to something they werent meant to find out. Then my blog started getting hits from other poker bloggers and poker players and more friends and a transformation occured where you are not just writing for yourself but for an audience. 642 folks have found their way here in less then two years. Certainly not the hits that Pauly, IGGY or Felicia get but to me thats a lot. Regardless I write because I enjoy its cathartic soul cleansing properties and I largely still write for myself.

This month is National Novel Writing month. I'm amazed at the number of poker bloggers who are undertaking or attempting this effort. I've bookmarked the site but alas wont be able to write that next great edition to Chick Literature just yet. It seems like I could write an auto-biographical one with IG as the heroine as that's the way my life seems to be going these days.

I was over reading Joe Speaker's blog which gave me something to really think about concerning relationships. Joe is brutally honest about the demise of his marriage and the discovery of his wife cheating on him. He has an amazing analysis of why his marriage was doomed to fail. Benign neglect and failure to communicate. So when you ask your someone what is wrong and they say nothing can you really believe them?

Twenty years later I am still amazingly good friends with my old boyfriend from my twenties. The fact that he is married and lives in California may have something to do with it. Besides my Best Friend Forever(BFF) Kim, Rob probably knows me better then even my own sister. We've had days where we emailed/talked every day and months can go by where we dont talk at all. Rob and Toni even came to visit me two years ago and I can honestly say that in some respects he married me. Why didnt we work out? Right person for the most part wrong time. Plus some addictions that needed to be addressed that neither one of us were aware of at the time.

Then there was Michael, completely the wrong person. But when a gal gets out of out-patient rehab and feels she has a Scarlet A for alcoholic on her head and is sent to twelve step meetings its only logical to wind up with another recovering person. To Michaels credit he is the reason I started running again and got pretty good for my age-group. But he hated how involved I got in the running community, didnt think I went to enough meetings (In fact I havent been to a meeting in about 7 years) and we were as different as night and day. I once said that Michael was an 8 year mistake and my friend Sandy stated.. NO an 8 year lesson some of us are just slow learners.

Michael was emotionally needy with very low self esteem and I wound up neglecting myself and packed on 50 lbs. When we parted in April 1999 it was like an albatross had been lifted from my neck. Halfway thru our relationship and before I had put on a pound, I was considering leaving him. He proposed and I accepted. I found out later that he only proposed because he had cheated on me with an old girlfriend and he didnt want to lose me. We were not on a break. I felt trapped when I did find out, but didnt have the finances to move out on my own as I had made a mess of mine during my twenties. It wasnt a bad situation and it wasnt good it just was.

It was about a year after we split before I was remotely interested in dating again. I had resumed running again and the weight had tumbled off. There was one guy that would have done anything for me in the world but had relationship issues and was a curmudgeon. He did get me thru my first and only marathon. I called him a Hobbit and once said to my friend Karen "It would take a wizard and twelve dwarfs to get Steve to go on an adventure". When its fourth and long you punt. He was never going to be anything more then a good friend and shortly thereafter I starting dating other people and he moved to Watertown.

Then there was an infamous date where the dude kept checking his blackberry which I found rude. We went for a hike in a park that I ran trails on alot. When he started running up the hill in his hiking boots to "get his heart rate up" my competitive nature kicked in. I was in my trail runners and said to myself. Dude, I just want to kick you ass now and sprint by you and leave you in these woods. One date was enough.

Anyway back to Joe. Joe got me thinking about a situation Ive found myself in that I realized if I didnt make a move or address it soon, I would have no one to blame but myself. There is no excuse for inertia. Ive pushed my chips all-in and dont know if Im drawing dead yet or if I will hit my hand. I may not know for a bit. And as patient as I am at poker, I am not known for my patience when it comes to cleaning up little life issues.

EDIT*****

Poker has taught me to trust my gut and not to second guess myself. I now know I have a really special person and friend in my life who probably has more questions to be answered then me and Im really okay with that. Amazing what a little bit of communication can do. I think Dave Matthews says it best:

Where are you going? where do you go?
Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
If along the way you are growing weary, you can rest with me
Until a brighter day and you're OK